planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
