I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
There's always time for handjobs
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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