Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize