Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
