I'm gonna have a badass scar
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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