just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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