In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
