I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
a search helicopter?!
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
