i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
