I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
