i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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