and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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