You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
