i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
