So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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