im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
