Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
