What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize