i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
