i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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