Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
