Have you finally orgasmed yet?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
