I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
