I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
