the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
3 2 1 whiskey
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
