tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
