Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
