Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
