I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
