just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
