Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
