Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
