Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
