Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
