I cannot find my penis.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Randomize
