You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
