I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
