im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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