Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
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