My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
