you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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