i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
They have beer where we have blood.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
