my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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