i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
How's work?
Spinning.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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