I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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