My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
