I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
