Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
