I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
