Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
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