K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
