That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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