Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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