Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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